The hours getting late…

This is Day 6 of my detox…I did not have the strength to post yesterday for Day 5 of detox.  I was trapped into negativity.  Stuck in a nightmare like so often I am. I know that things are really not that bad at all, they are even good when it comes to how I am living; I got an apartment that I can call home because it is warm and full of love.  I know I am loved, that there are people that care for me and my well-being.  I know that I am safe; that I am not alone in the street with nothing, nowhere and no one.  I know all that.  But my every thought are difformed by my anxiety.  Every moment there is a thought telling me how I have failed at everything and that it will always be the same.  Right now, I can’t get out of my mind that effexor has been poisoning my life instead of helping me.  It only put a big coat of whatever kinda of fog to not be able to see all that was painful in my life.  To stop seeing the faces of those who did me great harm.  I wanted to believe that I could, with the help of medication, live a life where I am not in constant emotional pain.  Effexor twisted my body and mind  and I  can’t really recognize myself in the mirror anymore.   My mental capacities have decreased so greatly… i can’t concentrate, I can’t remember. there’s so much confusion. I cant get no relief.  There were several reasons I spent my day crying yesterday but every single one was rooted in the fact that I feel trapped in a prison of flesh and bones.  My spirit is trapped within something that is not mine anymore.  I am desperate to be me again.  But I close my eyes and there is only darkness and the weaping of all those moments past.  They are replayed ad nauseaum to me and I can’t look away.  I  am scared.  I just want to be me.  I cry so much because I have the greatest trouble to remember who I am, what I am capable of.  It’s all so vague now, so distant.  But I feel like I could make it sometimes, for a fleeting moment.  Then it’s gone again and I am trapped again.  And its cold, and it’s dark and I’m drowning in my agony.  I want to see the sunshine outside.  I want to see it within me again too.  Thats all I have, that flame inside, that bright light.  That’s all I am and I can’t get to it.  I’m too tired.  I wish that I was just like a light switch, and just like that I feel joy again.  I can’t be in the world, I cant be around people.  There was a time where something was carrying me throught life, a deeper sense of understanding, a greater sense of love, a belief that it matter  that I was there.  I cried all day because I know that the pain will always be there, the horrid memories will always remain in my mind.I’m supposed to be strong and just not give in to them. But I am so exhausted, I can’t fight anymore.   Sometimes I almost understand how I can make it. Sometimes I can almost remember how great I can be.  Sometimes I can almost believe in myself.  An overabondance of emotions that’s a gift and a curse might I say. Think about forever .. yeah thats is all I do, and I am stuck in the middle where nothing seems to change.  It is just the detox talking? Well I was dying inside way before a few days ago, effexor just been a big band aid with multiple side-effects. Please let it be over soon, I want to wake up and actually open my eyes.  I dont want that veil of lies, i don’t want this pain anymore. Please make this stop; It’s like every single of my ennemy is at my door and they are about to crash in and pillage and rampage everything that I am. I have been poisoned.  I can’t let my creativity flow, I have no voice and I am trapped inside.  I don’t want to be in here forever.  I’m losing myself.  I can’t hold on.

All Along the Watchtower

There must be some kind of way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
Theres too much confusion
I cant get no relief
Businessman they drink my wine
Plow men dig my earth
None will level on the line
Nobody of it is worth
Hey hey

No reason to get excited
The thief he kindly spoke
There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke but uh
But you and I weve been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now
The hours getting late
Hey

Hey

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Bare-foot servants to, but huh
Outside in the cold distance
A wild cat did growl
Two riders were approachin
And the wind began to howl
Hey
Oh
All along the watchtower
Hear you sing around the watch
Gotta beware gotta beware I will
Yeah
Ooh baby
All along the watchtower

The Onyxx

at Lullaby on Daydream Road

http://lullabyondaydreamroad.wordpress.com/