Dreaming of simplicity

July 24 – Day 13 of detox

I know I am being too hard on myself as usual, but I am sick and tired of my anxiety and all that comes with it. I am trying really hard to not overreact, not be completely overwhelmed by my negative thoughts but it is like a very bad song playing again and again in my head as soon as their is something that trigger that state of panic.  I feel stupid that every time it is the same story; a little nothing sets me off because there is a big something that scares me.  I know it will still require a hell of a lot of work; I can feel my stomach turn at the thought of months and months still ahead of me dealing with my issues, and this time without anti-depressants.  I know I am far better of this way.  I want to believe that I can do it.  I want to trust in myself that I have the strength.  I want to reach those simple goals that will be a major part of my recovery.  But my head turns.

Frankly, I got to be realistic here, I don’t believe I will be in a mental state appropriate for me to go on and work out of the house.  Me in an office spells disaster.  In addition ethics that often are implemented are in contradiction to what I believe in in most work places that I know I have the experience and the capacity for.  I am trying to do something positive here by trying to see a possible restructure of my lifestyle.  It does get me anxious like the rest, but I think it will give me a clearer view of where I am heading.

I want to be an Entrepreneur, an Independent Worker. I am certain I could successfully start a creative project that would be both fulfilling and would bring some money in.  My problem is that I am unsure how to bring forward my vision and make it interesting for people.  I feel like I have no voice, or at least not the proper one.  I feel confused by the amount of ideas in my head, so I go nowhere.  I think I need to put things down in a clear fashion so my efforts are bringing some results.  Again, all this is making me dizzy.

I realize that it is going to take a long time before I feel like I am myself.  It kind of discourage me to think about this.  I use to be so alive and vibrant and now I am not even setting foot outside of the apartment to go to the corner store because I am terrorized.  I wish I could just snap my finger and voila, I can function again.

I feel really sad today because I feel like all my dreams are dead inside me and they will never get done because I am weak.

The Onyxx

at Lullaby on Daydream Road

http://lullabyondaydreamroad.wordpress.com/