What to do…

Of course I am feeling disappointed; the graphic design course beginning has been pushed for another 3 weeks.  I was supposed to be there this frakking morning, not here NOT HERE.  It goes beyond being disappointed actually.  I was still kinda OK when I left this morning, I even was able to put my negative feelings aside this week-end, but now that I am back at the program with nothing to do of interest on Mondays and TuesdaysI am desperate.  I wish I could say that I feel strong and that I sense that everything will be alright.  I wish I could say that it does not bother me and that the important thing is that I am gonna be able in a few weeks to explore something interesting and rewarding. I wish I could say that no matter what I can have a big smile on my face and have a song in my heart.  But I feel trapped.  I feel sad.  I feel cheated. I feel doomed.  I feel so angry that they judge they can just do whatever they wish, at the last minute without thinking about the future students.  Every minute is a torture.  I feel really unhappy right now; I can’t see anything good at all.  I have been sent back to a very dark place in my mind where there is no hope.  I’m really trying to force myself to view things in a different way but it fails miserably.  I see my situation as a catastrophy.  Is it really?  I want to reason with myself and feel alright but I can’t seem to be able to do so.  Frankly, I am panicking…  When I feel like I am drifting away and wasting away, I panic.  The teacher told me to take it day by day, he even asked me to propose him something I could do to occupy my time.  He even said that I could work on my websites.  But you know the problem is that there is nothing to work on…  I have no webhosting because I can’t afford it so there is not really a website around for me.  I have started pages on the  Wetpaint wiki systeme; one for Crimsublime and one for SoapBoxArcade, but it is not really what I wanted because it does not look like what I wish it to be.   I have just been looking at them trying to figure out if there could be any way that it could become something that I would like to work with.  If I can convince myself and if I can make it interesting it could work…  That could be what I do for the next few weeks.  For Crimsublime I can decide for myself but for SoapBoxArcade, I would have to ask what Jackson thinks.  It seems there is nothing that truly satidfy me on what it should look like.  It’s almost lunch now, I can’t stay in the computer room during that time.  I wish I knew what to do.