I had to stop and reflect on it; it was inevitable. I had to consciously and clearly ask myself if I actually believed that I strayed from my path and lost my way. The answer is “no”. I have remained authentic; my core untouched and my heart true. My inner light still burning, keeping me alive. I did fall asleep, I forgot who I was but in my darkest hour, even if I could not feel it, the Infinite Love was within me, guiding me.
The question stemmed from the realization that my self-loathing had its source in this feeling that I failed myself in the past few years. Living with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia had left me afraid of the world and of myself. The vivid nightmares every night for 3 years while I was on medication lead me to be terrified, drained, dazed and confused. The ibs I developped as another side effect to the effexor xr maimed my self-esteem and confidence. I had lost control over my body and my mind it seemed. I felt powerless, overwhelmed and eventually I started to profoundly hate myself for who I was; a broken being.
But now that I have taken a step back and that I am doing my best at living mindfully everyday, it becomes clear to me that all this can be perceived in a whole other manner. I would not go as far as to say that it is a blessing, but it certainly gives me a perspective, an experience of life that is different from what it would be if I did not “go supernova” a few years back. Yes, the effexor xr produced a thick fog in my mind; I am still working on gaining back my concentration, memory and libido almost a year after stopping them cold turkey. But to be thruthful, it provided me with a shield from my thoughts and emotions when they had become too much for me to handle.
I am learning much about myself by facing my fears and dealing with my demons. I did not lost my way… I believe throughout all this, I have been and I am still precisely the person I am supposed to be; all is in its place, I am perfect just as I am!!
