The question stemmed from the realization that my self-loathing had its source in this feeling that I failed myself in the past few years.  Living with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia had left me afraid of the world and of myself.  The vivid nightmares every night for 3 years while I was on medication lead me to be terrified, drained, dazed and confused.  The ibs I developped as another side effect to the effexor xr maimed my self-esteem and confidence.  I had lost control over my body and my mind it seemed.  I felt powerless, overwhelmed and eventually I started to profoundly hate myself for who I was; a broken being.

But now that I have taken a step back and that I am doing my best at living mindfully everyday, it becomes clear to me that all this can be perceived in a whole other manner.  I would not go as far as to say that it is a blessing, but it certainly gives me a perspective, an experience of life that is different from what it would be if I did not “go supernova” a few years back.  Yes, the effexor xr produced a thick fog in my mind; I am still working on gaining back my concentration, memory and libido almost a year after stopping them cold turkey.  But to be thruthful, it provided me with a shield from my thoughts and emotions when they had become too much for me to handle.

I am learning much about myself by facing my fears and dealing with my demons.  I did not lost my way…  I believe throughout all this, I have been and I am still precisely the person I am supposed to be; all is in its place, I am perfect just as I am!!

Dragon Lady by kunkka

This week has been very difficult for me.  I think I hit a wall or something.  I have been making progress; I have been working hard everyday to feel better and be at peace with myself. I have been stuck in a difficult place for days, crying my eyes out, wondering what was wrong with me.

I was feeling too messed up to go to school; I was paralyzed by anxiety and I did not know what to do.  On Thursday I went to school finally and told the teacher I wanted to stop taking the course because of my emotional state.  He took the time to talk to me and give me his support.  He proposed to me to wait before making a definitive decision.  He told me to come back only on Monday if I wished to go on.  He also told me that he does not want o put pressure on me, that pretty much I can take it day by day, and that I can just see where it takes me.  When I miss, I miss and I just come to the recuperation time on Friday afternoon when it happens.  I decided that he had a point, I would wait to see own things would develop over the week-end.

I saw my therapist on Friday afternoon.  I cried the whole session but at the end she asked me to give it a couple of weeks. and here is why; I wanted to have a paper for welfare stating that my mental health was forbidding me from having the discipline to study at the moment.  She thinks that some factors like changing the time made the week more difficult to adjust to emotionally for a lot of people.  Also, we have been discussing my demons pretty intensely in the past few weeks; that has to have an impact on someone psyche.  Starting school full time after a 10 year hiatus is a huge adjustment as well.  All of this might have rendered me more vulnerable to the kind of mood I have been in the past few days.  Now I must say that she helped me by asking me to try and go to school for the next few weeks; it forces me to be brave.  I guess this is another challenge I have to go through that will make me stronger.

Jackson has been taking really good care of me.  He has been very swell and loving.  He took the time to listen to me, he has tried to bring his input.  He has tried all he could to lift my spirit.  I can’t thank him enough for it because I have been difficult to live with in my mind.

I have to say that what ultimately made something click is when I read the email of a gentleman I have been corresponding with for a few weeks.  We seem to have an authentic connection so I put a lot of attention in what I express and I try to be as truthful as possible.   He asked me what motivates me.  I had to actually stop and think about it.  That is when I realized that it was the question I needed to answer, the one I could not hear in the turmoil I had in my mind and heart.  I thank him for making me face myself.  Here is what I answered to him (I am pretty certain he will not mind me sharing that reflection because I believe it is an important one that I want to remember)

• Have the chance to explore with that corporal body; use all my senses and know what it is to be human.
• All of this while remaining aware of my higher Self and my Shadow.  Research an harmony between all those facets of me.
• Hear the symphony of Life
• Know the perfection of true Love
• Have the chance to surrender to the Flow and know with certainty that I am unique yet part of the “All”.
• Have the chance to fully be myself.
• Share my vision, my reality, my ideas and my perceptions, my multiverse throught my creation.

I forgot one when I wrote back to him:

• The everlasting quest for knowledge.

Those are very important things.  I know that tonite when I go to bed, I will feel better, I will sleep better because I am one step further in my healing process.  I am one step further into fully being myself.  I am one step closer from everyday ecstasy…  I am one moment closer to simply know happiness.

The reason I choose the image of the Dragon Lady is because of what I feel is happening to me.  My chinese sign is the Fire Dragon.  I have always felt that he represent really well a part of me.  And that part is emerging right now.  Flamboyant, full of life and of passion; glorious.  This is a time of rebirth for me.  I will try my best to find my own voice to express it.